I started asking the counselor how to act to protect myself from Vendetta’s negative attitude and emotional abuse. She said I couldn’t take blame for absolutely everything that Vendetta did, because it would put me into a depression 1. She said hang out with friends and try to act normally. I immediately did just that the next weekend and went out when invited. I didn’t hate Vendetta – I wanted to get her help, and always looked for every opportunity to go out with her. Ethan and our neighbor were looking to hang out downtown one night, so I invited Vendetta and she said “yes”. While I was waiting for Vendetta to get ready, I went upstairs to check up on her, but she was playing on Facebook and didn’t look like she was coming down any time soon, so I asked her if she was coming and she said “no, so go without me.” I left the house and walked out to the waiting limo, but soon after, Vendetta stormed to the front door and started yelling at Ethan, our neighbor and myself that they were stealing her husband. She obviously snapped and I wasn’t waiting around to see her stab me or do something equally as crazy, so I left as quickly as possible. I had an ok time out before getting back to the house around 2am. When I got home, I saw that Vendetta’s light was on upstairs. She quickly turned it off as I came up the stairs as I tried to get to the top as quickly as possible. She had recently pulled the sheets over herself. I climbed into bed knowing the Vendetta was faking being asleep. I nearly fell to sleep when the doorbell rang. I recorded the rest of the events that happened that night in a blog that I posted to a pregnancy mom’s website where I was seeking advice and answers to what happened to my wife. Here is what I posted:
When thinking about a response, please keep this question in mind: Should I try an intervention, should I give an ultimatum, or should I end our marriage?
As a Dad, I’m concerned about losing my unborn child and potentially losing my wife to unintentional suicide.
I love my wife dearly and I’m extremely excited to be a father, but my relationship with my wife is borderline dangerous. My wife has unresolved issues from her relationship with her mother. These led her to be very stubborn, never claim responsibility for mistakes, criticizing people when they help her, terrible anxiety, outright lying, and violent rages. These symptoms range from annoying to witness, to damaging many of her interpersonal relationships, but now that she’s pregnant, things are ten times worse.
Any time I’m around her, I ask what I can do to help, per the instructions my counselor gave me in order to deal with my wife. My wife responds with one of three answers:
- Can you do _____ for me.
- It’s too late, you’ve already failed me.
- Our relationship is over and I want a divorce.
When I get the first response, I immediately do what she wishes, but then she says it’s not worth trying, because you’ll fail me, so don’t bother. While this is mildly comical, things get worse.
While I’m doing the positive affirmations, telling her I love her, constant reassurance, doing tasks like cleaning, everything you could ever ever EVER want, my wife starts to rage. Full disclosure, I’m not perfect and I don’t always say the right things at the right time, but I would be better if I wasn’t scared of my wife. Even her assistant said that no matter what I did or did not do, I will always be wrong.
Just last night after telling her the truth to her inquiry, she snatched all the sheets (etc.) off the bed while I was sleeping, started yelling at me and woke up our roommate and neighbors with a terrible adult tantrum. She then screamed that we need a divorce and that I’m the worse husband ever and that I need serious psychological help.
She rages at least once a day.
When she rages and she’s driving, she drives so incredible dangerously that I once thought throwing myself out of the car was my only way to survive. I want to call the police, but I want to give counseling a chance. My problem is, she believes it’s all my fault and that she’s reacting to me not satisfying her emotional needs. Her lying habit has her believing that I’m doing and not doing all these terrible things that are completely made up. Is this normal pregnancy behavior?
I saw the counselor and she says that what my wife does is extremely dangerous and any child we have will be damage for life if this continues. Our roommate, her work assistant, and anyone who sees her rage is convinced that she is the sole problem. I would like to believe that I’m 50% responsible, because then I have some way to help the situation.
If our child makes it to birth, it’ll be too late to help my wife, because our baby will be more exposed to her dangerous behavior. Where does normal pregnancy behavior end and where does intensive counseling begin?
Sample of the comments
“She sounds bi-polar to me and unfortunately pregnancy hormones make it worse in women and yes, I fear for your child once born bc it is likely with post-pardum depression it will be much worse. The smallest of things can affect the development in babies…my step-son, who we have full custody of, went through similar issues with his mother bc she is bi-polar and after giving birth she completely ignored him for his first year and 1/2 of life…he is now 4 and behaves, emotionally, developmentally as a 2 yr old…it is slowly getting better with everything we are doing to help him but the damage was already done. Is she in counseling too or just u?”
“Baker act her. She is a danger to herself, and others, including baby.”
“Nowhere near pregnancy behavior. Im not a physician, but it sounds like bi-polar. She may need counseling ASAP. Her behavior is not healthy for you all, or a new born. Please seek help. Praying things work out.”
The results of this posting were shocking and exactly what I needed to hear. The comments stated that Vendetta was probably bi-polar or suffered from BPD. She was dangerous to Lauren and especially dangerous to herself. They suggested getting a divorce and taking Lauren. They wanted me to Baker Act Vendetta and to make sure that she went to the hospital and got treatment. They were all nervous for me and scared to death of Vendetta. They confirm it was not the typical pregnancy behavior and that I needed to make changes as fast as possible. Vendetta refused to go to a counselor, so I had no options, but to call the police on her. 2
Here’s the link to the rest of the messages: http://community.babycenter.com/post/a45436885/this_is_not_normal_pregnancy_behavior._what_do_i_do
When I went upstairs and saw Vendetta on the computer (the screen was still bright when I leapt past the floor, I’m sure she was talking to Taylor. Taylor mentioned numerous times after that episode that I left my pregnant wife at home to go get drunk with my friends. The truth is a lot more believable. I might have died that night if I stayed at home. Judging by what happened, I’m glad I left and I should have called the police. I still don’t understand how Taylor still believes her daughter. It’s crazy to me.
“Distortion misleads and aggravates family members, who may take a borderline’s statement at face value before discovering the facts.”